4 Simple Things You Can Do to Help Your Child Have Better Behavior
Many behavior problems in children arise from a mismatch between children’s developing brains and the environments in which they live. There are several straight-forward changes that you can make that are almost guaranteed to improve your child’s mood, learning, and behavior:
1) Routines and Scheduling
Make your child’s day as predictable as possible. Take every step needed to avoid the unexpected, especially for things that are less pleasant to do. Do things that have to be done every day in steps that are in the same order and at the same time. Routines are great for the most unpleasant and monotonous of the day’s activities. Once a routine is established (for getting ready for bed or school, cleaning their room, etc.) the more the child can get through it on autopilot and will generally give you less grief. Post unusual events on a white board, or make sure to give the child advanced warning for any changes when possible. Your child will have an easier time dealing with change and challenge if they don’t have to deal with surprise as well. The best thing would be to post the day’s schedule on a white board that is updated at the start of each day and read out loud, even for literate children.
When a child has the ability to predict what is happening next and later on, they feel more in control of themselves and their worlds. This may sound contradictory given that scheduling by definition restricts choices. But when a child can settle into a predictable schedule composed of enriching activities sandwiched in between solid daily routines, they have more energy reserves to direct toward controlling their behavior, which makes them more capable of getting their wants and needs met in appropriate ways. Above all else, scheduling and routines are stress reduction tools. They free up the energy that would otherwise be wasted on recovering from the stresses that come from being unprepared for the challenges of the day that they have has little chance to adjust to. Lower stress means a better ability to accommodate and learn from the experiences they immerse themselves in all the time. We often take for granted that our children have the same ability to comprehend life’s inevitable inconsistencies as we do and our children may be paying the price.
2) Publicly Displayed and Non-Negotiable House Rules and Expectations
Having a clear set of rules and expectations that are concretely defined, worded in positive terms, and visible in a public place serve as a constant reminder of what they need to do to get praise from you and avoid negative consequences. They also remind you to stay consistent in how you respond to negative behaviors and encourage positive habit development.
As children learn about how to manage life’s challenges, they need a good set of instructions. Unlike their adult counterparts, they don’t understand enough to make good decisions based on an in-the-moment assessment of the best course of action. Rules give them a clear guide as they navigate those challenges. Learning to follow them will prepare them for environments governed by rules (school settings, most work places, and many aspects of society). Rules, laws, and behavioral norms (expectations) are the hand-me-downs of our ancestors. Within them they hold their collective wisdom. The lessons they learned were consolidated in rules so that future generations could avoid the negative effects of the behavior they forbid. Expectations are procedural rules on what behaviors to engage in and under what circumstances. They are the past telling us what we should do to increase the likelihood of a good outcome. Both rules and expectations are generally telling us to act in a way that help us to choose to do things that forgoes immediate gratification in order to access a more delayed reward. Take my word for it, this is a really good lesson for kids to learn. Many of us have experienced and lived in a time of dramatic social, economic, and cultural change. We know in our bones that many of the rules and norms passed on to us from our forefathers are either pointless, harmful, or just irrelevant now. However, we should avoid the mistake of assuming that because some of those were not helpful, then all rules are.
3) Notice and Praise the Positive Much More than the Feeding into the Negative
It is part of human nature to notice when things are not as they should be. The default tendency of many parents, caregivers, and teachers is to focus their responsiveness on error correction. This is often a valid and effective means of putting children on the right path, but for many kids with behavior problems, its actually making their behavior worse. This is because for some children, the attention they receive either as a direct result of a bad behavior or because they have a history of bad behavior (adults are “keeping their eyes on them”) is more valuable than the cost of getting in trouble.
4) Use Rewards
Research is unequivocal in recognizing the potent effects of incentives on human motivation and achievement. We want our kids to behave well because they “want to” or they “know better”, but yet they often don’t. Many children need a little nudge to set them toward making better choices and then the longer term positive consequences of those choices. If they haven’t had as much experience with those consequences, then they really don’t know what they are missing out on. So setting up a reward (daily, weekly, and/or monthly) can give them the motivation to do what they know is right. Younger kids need more immediate rewards than older ones. Many reward systems fail because the rewards are too distant in time from the behaviors that produced them. My son was deathly afraid of going down the waterslide at the rec center, although he had never gone. I told him I would give him 10 bucks if he went down. He forced himself to do it the first time, and then went at least 50 more times that day because he loved it. He also got the opportunity to think of himself as brave rather than fearful. It was one of the best investments I have ever made.
Although my training is in Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) and Neurofeedback, I am also a dad. I see parents that struggle with these problems every day and know some of the most basic elements of behavior therapy could help kids lead happier and more fulfilling lives.